She stoops to conquer

My nani is one of the strongest, most amazing women I know. She was in the first matric girls class in South Africa and was one of the first female professor's in the country. She studied medicine in time when the norm was that muslim indian women wouldn't go past primary school.
And she got married. after completing her medicine, which was late, late 20's.
Oh what I'd give to see the looks on the faces of all the women who saidher father was mad for letting her study because she would never get married.

She's had many, many other achievements in her life, like highlighting issues that affected women in rural KZN and proposing and implementing the first ever village for independent living, which allows disabled people to live together and help each other out, relieving them of the need to be at the mercy of their families and the rest of society.


The thing is, if you look at this soft, quiet, 82 year old woman, you would never say that she is an intellectual at all. She goes from flying all over Africa and doing regulatory checks and reporting on the states of hospitals in this continent, to fetching sandals and carrying bags for her husband; from writing scholarly research papers, to doing the daily grocery rounds at pick n pay.
I used to wonder how she can be so humble and serve her family so tirelessly even though she has this whole other life where people call her "prof" and sing her praises. She seems never to get what she wants, because she's always putting her family's needs before her own. She doesn't even buy herself her own clothes, or spend her own money, ever. She always, always gets advice and permission from her husband and never does anything that would anger him.

But Nani is wise. There is wisdom in a woman being humble. In a woman stepping down and putting everyone else on a pedestal. When I think about my grandparents marriage of..I dunno, over 50 years, I wonder if it would've survived if my nani was a power hungry female who would want to "wear the pants" in the relationship.

Men need their ego's fed. They need a woman to make them feel intelligent. To give them ideas
and stand back and let them take the credit for it. To laugh at their jokes even if u don't really get them. (the ugly truth reference kinda)
The feminist movement has it all wrong. You don't fight with a man to get what u want, u stand down and tell him how wonderful he is.
If he shouts at you, you don't shout back. You stand down and take it and his heart will soften when he sees the pain on your face and realises that he's hurt u.

I know it's a strange stance to take. And I know that it doesn't always work. In some cases, you really need to fight for your rights, but in most cases, a woman can get what she wants, without fighting the fight a man's way. Also, it's good for your soul and breaking down your nafs.

It's a difficult thing to accept if you're brought up in a 21st century world, but it's something that's well understood by indian women of a certain age and calibre...and it works!

Lose the battle to win the war.