When letting go just isn't an option

People say that women who enter into abusive relationships and remain in them
have no-one but themselves to blame. I think this is a very narrow minded way to look at a situation .Especially if you're looking in from the outside.

I can absolutely relate to someone who would stick to something that is harmful to them. I do it all the time. Like the love affair I had with my beloved alfa.
Everyone told me not to buy her. Alfas are notorious for being unreliable and they cost an arm and a leg in repairs, but she was just so pretty so I had to have her.
I wanted her and I went and bought her. Didn't even tell my father I was buying her. In fact, specifically didn't tell my father I was buying her because he'd ranted about
the unreliability of alfa's when I just mentioned the car to him.

Within a day of buying her the problems started. Firstly, no-one wanted to insure me. A 21 year old female with less than 2 years of driving experience,
was way too high risk and no-one would take the chance.
I phoned around everywhere, asked for help online, tried to insure through my mother with me as a principal driver, but none of this helped.
Eventually I managed to get first for women to give me third party cover. And then I was happy :) I could finally get to drive her.

I took out her manual and read all about caring for her. Went and bought the right kinda selespeed transmission fluid and the right kinda oil put them in the boot.
(I'm quite partial to taking personal care of my cars and doing my own services if possible.) I tried to learn as much about her inner workings as possible.


The first 3 weeks were glorious. I loved her and was so proud of my new car. She was a "driving weapon" to say the least. But then one day, she beeped and that dreaded message,
selespeed system failure flashed across the screen. I read up about it and decided to ignore it, because it had just happened once. About a week later, it happened again.

I phoned alfa and immediately took her in to see what's what. They said the actuator wasn't working properly and quoted me R21 000 to fix it. Next, the boot of the cv joint went. Then,
the gearbox selectors and some pipe in the gearbox. Then, the fuel injection pipe. One after one, parts of my alfa (or romaana as nooj named her) gave up. Each time a part of her broke,
I'd be left stranded on the side or in the middle of the road. I was very lucky to have found a guy who used to work for alfa breakdown as a mechanic. I'd phone
him and he'd give me instructions on what to do to get her moving again. I used to keep oil and water and spanners and tow rope and jumper cables in my car at all times.
Even so, I still needed to be towed much. And spend hours waiting, stranded in the middle of the road, with cars hooting all round, for the AA to come and tow me away. At one point I needed to be towed four times in a single week.

I had no car more than I had a car. Every time I used to drive her I was in fear of seeing the selespeed system failure. She beeped continuously, complaining about every single part of her.
Eventually I took to cringing at the beeps, but ignoring them and dealing with the problem once I'd broken down, because replacing parts each time she complained dind't seem to help in any case.

I had her for just about a year when the crash happened. It was raining and he was drunk and he smashed the whole left side and some of the front. My heart lurched and the selespeed system failure message came up.
I didn't think I would ever be able to fix her, and I was right. She was declared a write off.

I didn't want to write her off. I had her towed home. I wanted to make a plan and I wanted to see if I can fix her. She lay their in my garage. I made many plans to call the panelbeater to ahve a look at her, but I didn't ahve the heart.
I knew if a panelbeater came and looked at her he'd say she was irreparable and I dind't want to hear that.

Now, a year later, she's being sold for spares. Her heart was removed and put into another alfa. Her radio, her tyres, her bumper and badges, every little part of her is being ripped and stripped and taken to different cars.
It hurts me so much to see her like that. When I enter the garage and see the remains a I feel a sense of sadness, like she's broken into pieces and nothingness.

She was bad for me. Very bad. SOme months my entire salary went into paying for repairs on her, but I still just could not let go. The accident was a huge blessing, because had it not happened,
I would probably still have had her. I'd still be paying so much money all the time and getting stuck all the time. I wouldn't sell her. There simply can be no price on something you love.